Wilson: you'd give your own wife herpes just to shift the blame ...

Cuddy: he'd give his own mother herpes if it got him out of clinic duty.

[2x15. Clueless]

Cameron: men should grow up.

House: yeah. and dogs should stop licking themselves. it's not gonna happen. 

[1x03. Occam's razor]

Wilson: life just happens, and that scares the hell out of you!

House: you think you can cure pain!

Wilson: you think you can avoid pain!

House: you think you're responsible for every failure, every... patient's boring life, every friend's screwed-up...!

Wilson: you don't want to face it any more than my patient does! dying's easy. living's hard!

[4x09. Games]

House: I completely understand and almost respect your desire to appear to be Dean of medicine, given that your title is Dean of medicine. on the other hand, seriously? 

[8x02. Transplant]

House: perseverance does not equal worthiness. next time you want to get my attention, wear something fun. low-rider jeans are hot.

[1x02. Paternity]

House: oh my god!!! you're not wearing underwear!!!
Cuddy: of course I'm.. 
House: skirt that tight you got no secrets. skirt that tight I can tell if you've got an IUD. you seen Dr. Cole?
Cuddy: no..
House: you're blushing!
Cuddy: I am not..
House: look at me.
House: OH. MY. GOD!!!

[4x08. You Don't Want to Know]

House: Wilson! How long can you go without sex? 
Wilson: How long can you go without annoying people?

[2x14. Sex Kills]

Cuddy: how's your hooker doing? 
House: it's sweet of you to ask. funny story, she was going to be a hospital administrator, but just hated having to screw people like that.

[1x02. Paternity]

Wilson *into phone*: my God. you’re actually at the CIA.

House *into phone*: you’ve gotta get down here. they’ve got a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy’s vagina. I told them the chances of invasion are slim to none, but… *trails off* Waldenstrom’s.

Wilson: recommended 25 milligrams per meter squared. they do a background check on you?
…
they did a background check on you, they did a background check on your friends.

House: relax. I’m sure they already know that you brought heroin back from Afghanistan. *hangs up*

Wilson *into phone*: that… that’s not true. I’ve never been to Afghanistan. House?

[4x06. Whatever it Takes]

Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chit-chat later, I’m Dr. Gregory House. You can call me Greg. I’m one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning. This ray of sunshine is Dr. Lisa Cuddy. Dr. Cuddy runs this whole hospital so, unfortunately, she’s much too busy to deal with you. I am a board certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I’m also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is here against his will. That is true, isn’t it? But not to worry, because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you’re particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this. This is Vicodin. It’s mine. You can’t have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? And who would rather wait for one of the other two doctors? Okay, well, I’ll be in Exam Room 1 if you change your mind.