Where Anyone is Possible
She stood above their cribs, looking down at the two round faces of her youngest children. "What am I suppose to do with you?" It was a simple question, but it was the question that bothered her the most. Mouse felt so.. disconnected from her children. But then again, she felt so isolated from everyone.
"I asked the same question when Arch dropped you off at the house." The voice startled the little witch and she spun around, her heart beating like it might jump out of her chest. "Dad?" Why did her throat feel dry? Why did she feel like this? She had been preparing to see him, but for him to suddenly appear in the nursery door way.
"Hey Mouse." The man walked up to her, hugging her tightly. "Let's go down stairs.. to the living room."
Mouse took his hand, looking up at the man that had raised her in the Celestial Plane with a smile. South smiled back down at her and nodded. As they walked down the stair way, she felt tears threaten to spill. "So, I thought you died.." That unsteady feeling she got when ever she was around the people that were suppose to be her family and friends filled her chest as she looked at South's face. "I did. And if there had been any option to stay with you, I would have."
She leans against the railing, her heart beating faster. It hurt so god damn much, for him to say that. It hurt, like a betrayal. It hurt so much, the tears did spill, and rolled down her cheeks. "..Mouse?" South went to hold her, cradling her softly. "Mouse, what's wrong?"
"It's been years since I've seen you, and you say that so easily, and you actually treat me like I matter, like you won't go back on those words." She whispers softly. Her mind was a mess, and he had said just the thing for her to break. "Mouse, darling, speak to me. What are you going on about?"
"Every fucking person that I have ever cared about feels like a god damn stranger. When Rosa and Valen were given to me, I didn't feel like a mother. I felt like I was duty bound, and that was terrible. I made my self act like a mother to them, till I did feel like a mother. And it happened with Cassie and Sirius. But now.. I feel like I'm not a mother again. I look at my two oldest, and I have no clue what's going on with them anymore. My son, he doesn't speak to me, and I don't know why. He just vanished to the waste lands, and when he came back, he moved in with his dad.. My daughter keeps getting killed and brought back and I can't help her. And they are not the only one's who are suppose to be close to me, but aren't.
The father of my kids, my children, has said he would have died if it weren't for his friend. That he had nothing to live for. And when ever I look at him, silently thinking about our kids, he shrugs it off. As if our children don't need him, as if I don't need him to around, not only as a friend, but as the father to our children. Because I wouldn't be able to do it alone. But clearly, he doesn't think about us. He doesn't care if he left our kids alone with me, by choice.
The person who told me it didn't matter that my biological father didn't care about me because they would step in as a big brother, left to go make his own family, making me wonder if I was ever truly family in the first place. Then they come back and act as if my father is the reason I feel so alone, but the truth is, that's not why I feel alone.
My best friends, or people I thought were my best friends don't even bother to conversant with me any more. I go into a place I've been around since I was seven and all I am is the witch who makes pretty flower crowns or turns into an animal to them. I'm not even worth a proper hello, but rather a grunt. Some people act like I have changed, but perhaps they're only seeing parts of me that have always been there, and are just.. leaving me, because.. of something I did.
I don't know. I don't know what I did wrong, or where it happened that the people who claim to be family just.. aren't family anymore. I don't know why they think it's all my biological father's fault, when I don't care about him or what he feels or thinks, I care about them and what they feel and what they think.
And I don't know why I care anymore because every time I look at their faces, I see god damn strangers."
She's shuddering in his arms, coughing in between the silent crying, her heart racing. "I don't know what I did.. and I'm trying my best to fix something that has pushed them away, but I don't know what to fix. I don't know if I should even be here, as an intelligent person or walk around as some dumb ass cat. I feel so useless and they won't talk to me. They won't let me help them. They won't even look at me sometimes."
"And I just don't know why."