Fwufikins, the Maids™
- Intro Video
All art credits here on Imgur:
[Resume of Fwufikins Androgynous, the Eldritch Maid Hive]
We cook, we clean, we cannibalize.
Name: Fwufikins Androgynous
Nickname(s): Fwuf, Broken, Fweep, The Maid
Race/Ethnicity: Eldritch Horror
Skin Tone: Pale, bone white. Warm yet clammy complexion.
Height: 5’7″ (170 cm)
Weight: 115 lbs (52kg)
Physic: Gaunt. Tawny musculature with broad shoulders, offset by soft, feminine form with wide hips.
Eyes: Piercing, almost searing Scarlet orbs dark, sunken sockets. More like incandescent pools of blood than any human organ.
Hair: Thick chest length fluffy silky locks. A deep, coagulated shade of blackened red.
Attire: A silken maid uniform, once black and white now stained dirty red by a lifetime of eating. Wears black stiletto heels.
Demeanor: Simple, but fiercely loyal to their Mistress. They think of only two things: Helping through their maid service, and eating flesh.
Maid’s Guild Rank: Silver III (defunct)
Alignment: Lawful Neutral (they are whatever alignment Magicia is at the time)
Diet: Hyper-Carnivorous. Feeds strictly Flesh [Preferably Human]
“INNOCENCE”: With their frail appearance and shy, clumsy demeanor, it is easy to mistake this little creature as harmless. This makes it all the more shocking when their savage hunger is unleashed. Their child-like innocence bordering on stupidity hides the sinister, conniving mind of an unholy flesh eating killer.
Note: While their innocent nature is mostly feigned, they are in fact deathly afraid of all things lewd; so much so that any attempts at sexual advances or even lewd gestures will often be met with gratuitous (and often preposterous) amounts of violence.
TOOTH AND NAIL: The body of this ghoulish little maid has adapted to their new dietary requirements in the fullest. Meat of all sorts -from rotting carcasses to live victims- is easily butchered by this creature’s rows of curved, serrated teeth all the while their unnatural long fingers tipped in blackened claws pierce and rend flesh from bone and limb from limb.
INSATIABLE HUNGER: Eating is even more important for maids than it is for living beings. While starvation may not kill them, even mere days without food can reduce this poor little maid to a vegetable or worse, drive them berserk. However, when they do eat, a Fwuf is capable of feeding virtually non-stop if permitted, often reducing entire corpses to nothing but bone fragments within minutes.
KILLER INSTINCT: Years spent with a primeval carnivore as a companion have worn off on the maid hive. Hunting and scavenging come second nature to this learned survivor thanks to their well honed sensory array. Capable of uncanny acts of dexterity, virtually disappearing in the shadows, and performing brutal acts of ultra-violence without a shred of remorse.
ANATOMICAL TWEAK(s): Long, cat-like tongue, for scraping meat off of bones. Maids may also use their digestive tract is altered to double as a sort of reproductive system. Fwufi is designed to take a metric butt ton of punishment, so killing them is difficult. Due to the chaotic magicks that spawned them, the maids are ever evolving.
HIVE MIND TWEAK(s): After consuming a huge amount of flesh and getting a Food Baby, a Fwuf can reprocess that meat into a copy of themselves by regurgitating a chrysalis. Maids emerge fully clothed and ready to serve, producing their own silk in the womb like a silk worm.
Maids vary greatly in intellect but generally aren’t very smart. Many are totally dedicated to work, but spend most of their time when not doing chores fighting. Some are basically little more than animals, while others may be tactical geniuses. The outcome at birth is random.
The maids follow a strict heirarchy, with the Head Fwuf as Alpha and Magicia worshipped like a goddess. They use pack hunting and even military tactics in persuit of prey.
BLOOD:Blood from Fwuf(s) will be canonically black and coagulated because of their undeath.
MAGICIA WORSHIP: Some will perform ritual sacrifice to their goddess, giving Magicia an unexpected boost to power.
HUNGER: Added a new state to their hunger/feeding habits: When they reach a state of extreme hunger, their body and mind will become much more zombie like, entering a state of total death and even decay in extended circumstances. They no longer have free will or even motor control, and will move based on the pursuit of noms. They will lurch forward, ravenous and relentless, unfeeling, unflinching, and virtually unstoppable until they get some food. Only food (or Mistress) can subdue their madness.
MAGGOTS: Due to their relative inactivity when Mistress Magicia is not present, Fwuf’s undead body is known to fall into a state of decay from time to time. This includes the typical maggots that come with it. These maggots would be removed, but they are considered a gift from Mistress, since she gets them too.
RECYCLING: Due to their altered anatomical state, Fwuf digestion and reproduction are not those of natural creatures such as humans. Rather than excrete waste from food or use any sort of reproductive organs, the maid recycles any biological material they intake into stem cells, which are used to craft more maids like a sort of cloning. Once they have consumed an ample amount of meat, they will regurgitate a fleshy, pulsating chrysalis, which they will either carry with them like a human infant or keep incubated in their cellar of flesh, depending on their stage of development. There, in the cellar, they will be born into darkness, fully clothed and ready to eat.
Note: They may occasionally vomit up bundles of clothing after eating, sort of like an owl pellet or a fur ball.
EMBRYONIC IMPLANTATION: If it is deemed necessary or otherwise beneficial to the development of the chrysalis and the fetus inside, the maid may choose to incubate the pupa inside of a host body. Depending on the circumstances, potential hosts range from desiccated cadavers and rotting carrion to living creatures and even humanoids. Methods for deposition vary situationally, depending on the host and Fwufi’s mood, but the result is more or less the same across the board.
While inside its host body, the embryo will derive nutriment from the surrogate’s systems. In particular, the cocoons seem to favor fresh blood for absorption, which often leads to difficulties and sometimes outright stoppage of the immune system. The chrysalis will continue to to feed until they are removed or ready to hatch. Once it awakens, the newly awakened Fwuf clone will eat its way out of its host unless relocated to q new location.
Purchasing a Fwuf: For an equivalent price aprocimating $1000 USD (or $200 for the mini-Fweep model. $20,000 for a Robo Maid.), you can have your very own maid to control. There are 3 parts to the contract. 1) DO NOT LEWD THE MAID. There’s a 50/50 chance they will either go berserk or explode. 2) Do not insult Mistress Madooga, for she is the creator and goddess of the maids. They will enrage. 3) Do not ask them to play happy birthday on their kazoo. They do not know how. They will gib.
If you obey these tenants, the Fwuf is yours to command, so long as you credit Madooga Co.
Reviews from Satisfied Customers:
“Awwww it’s cute in a gory kinda way.” -Satisfied, partially eaten customer.
“F… Fwufs are weird.” -A person who should get over it and buy a Fwuf
“Holy dumb fuck on a stick, ass licking narwhals and shit. One thousand bucks for a Maid!? Damn this better be one of those, Maids with benefits Jesus Christ. Ya want my fuckin’ arms and legs too? Maybe that’s why I’ll need a Maid. Can’t fucking move after buying this shit, take your limbs and make more of ya. Holy fudge knuckles. ” -Someone who can read
“Aww.. what a lil’ nightmare.” -Owner of a very happy Mini-Fweep
“The 10 soliders sitting there…didn’t trust this tall Fwuf.” Last Recorded Encounter with a Fwuf Customer Service Representative
“Oh Magicia. Your father loves those little things, and you let them break!” -Siclides the Primordial, during… technical difficulties.
- Who Am I...
A Hive Mind of Servants to Magicia, Enemy of Dust Bunnies and all things Lewd
- Romantic Interests
None, unless you count Ham
- Relationship Status
Indentured Servitude to Magicia, Hive Mind
- My Story Is...
Fwuf probably didn’t have a clue what they were talking about, but when they go through life supplying people with toe jam, they have to make their own sort of sense.
Fwufikins is an apparently omnipresent maid in service to Magicia. They owe their entire existence to her, and as such harbor unwavering loyalty to their mistress. When they are not tending to the needs of their mistress and her compatriots, they can be found cleaning and catering just about anyone or anything they can find. It’s no surprise that this born servant is a workaholic. However, their polite, soft-spoken demeanor belies their sinister nature. Certain modifications brought about by Magicia’s tampering have made it so that this maid thrives on a hyper-carnivorous diet; their body only accepts flesh as nutriment, and a certain quirk in their taste buds causes them to prefer humanoids above all other sources of meat. In addition, despite their naive appearance, their newfound predatory nature has made the Fwufs quite inquisitive. It is not uncommon to see them lurking in the shadows or beneath the floorboards, keeping tabs on patrons, potential allies, and those they suspect hold ill will towards their mistress.
In short [TL;DR], this ghoulish servant will work to please Magicia, whether it be through basic supplemental upkeep, general maintenance, political espionage, subterfuge, and -if necessary- brutal, unadulterated predation.
Note: As an added bonus, the employment of Fwufikins also entails the employment of their saurian companion DaVinci; a gargantuan dromaeosaur (“Raptor”) that specializes in hunting and tracking. Their strength, speed, intuition, cunning, and ruthless efficiency make them a more than capable assassin, as well as a “guard dog”.
“I was brought back from the brink of death by the Sorceress Magicia. In return for my life, she forced me into a life of servitude out of her boredom. My spare time is spent doing things for her amusement, when I’m not tending to the raptor I picked up in my travels before her “rescue”, finding whatever food I can by scavenging on the bodies of the lifeless she leaves behind.
After a great war had struck our ever shrinking world, we took residence with our mistress in the ruins of the now dissolved Empire of Ash. There, Fwuf works as a servant full time, oft wandering the wastes or lurking in what remains of the streets with DaVinci in search of supplies… and bodies upon which to feed.
After our many years working together, Fwuf and DaVinci have become closely linked to one another. In fact, our relationship has evolved -far beyond a simple pet and master agreement- into a symbiotic partnership. With our minds becoming more and more closely linked, we carnivores have become quite adept in the art of cooperative hunting, working with unnatural efficiency to outwit and outmaneuver our prey.
As of late, though, I’ve begun to feel… different…it is difficult to decipher whether I don’t feel like myself… or if I feel like I’m not alone in this body of mine…”
Appendix: The Head Maid’s Wrath
During the events of the Ar’Ellis war, the mistress Magicia was trapped in a Seal stone. The maids were very disgruntled by this, but not nearly as unhappy as the original Fwuf. Enraged by their inability to defend their mistress, the Head Maid issued a “Product Recall” on their entire race. Consuming the energy of all the billions in their swarm, as well as the collective lives of everything the carnivorous swarm had ever consumed, Fwuf gained an unimaginable wealth of power.
No longer were they simply a shining example of a maid.Fwuf was now a force of nature, a living incarnation of their race’s habits as scavengers: A Deity of Decay, the Maid God of Rot. They would remain solitary in this form until the end of the Ar’Elis Crisis, but when the production of New Maid Plus rolled out, the maid retained their ability to tap into their godlike state during moments of extreme rage.
The first of these tantrums (and certainly not the last) occurred just before the end of the Ar’Elis war, after Magicia had sacrificed her heart, when the Head Maid lashed out at the Wind God Helvegen for making the mistake of being in their mistress’s presence. Assuming the raccoon god was the source of Magicia’s misery and driven by lewd comments of bystanders, the maid nearly destroyed the wind god before being stopped short by their own hesitation. While the maid is no longer immediately hostile to the Raccoon, they still hold the grudge close to their heart and will pursue combat at the slightest provocation. The rivalry is almost comedic at this point.
Vengeance and Vivisection: The Ivo War
After Magicia had become Queen, she was visited by an old nemesis of hers: the doctor, the butcher, the sadist… Ivo, father of one of her old friends. Ivo struck a deal with Magicia to protect her kingdom from harm by offering herself up as tribute. He would not kill her, but torture her in horrid ways. He of course accepted, but her servants did not. The Fwufs were forced to join forces with their hated enemy Helvegen in order to get their revenge on the hated doctor, culminating in a blood pact that would ravage Helve’s DNA but eventually lead to the creation of Bloodie, Madooga Co.’s first and only liquid product. Joining their forces and facing many perils both physical and existential, the boy and Fwuf successfully slew the hated Doctor Ivo.
The battle led to many victories, but also many grave defeats. The maid’s numbers suffered the greatest loss since the Ar’Ellis Incident, and Helvegen lost his eyes. However, during their battle, the Queen Fwuf achieved the unthinkable: The Ultimate Tantrum. They became an eldritch abomination that laid waste to the bodies, minds, and souls of every opponent on the field of battle. They still maintain this ultimate form, but conceal it during day to day activities so as not to disturb those around them. They even rarely make appearances as an version of themselves from before their unfortunate demise, but this facade never lasts long.
Heart Retrieval Arc: Using the Power of Friendship to Kill God
Shards of Magicia’s Heart began to materialize shortly after the opening of Paracosm’s Purple Nova Casino. These shards have been located within beings she cared deeply about. However, almost all of them have been related to the holder’s death…with 2 exceptions. One was puked up by DaVinci the Raptor after he had a tummy ache, but one was was also dropped during the Wages of Consequence arc, when Fwuf sacrificed their brain to prevent corruption from consuming them in their efforts to protect Magicia (more on that below). The remaining shards have yet to be found, the heart still incomplete. TOO BE CONTINUED!
Wages of Consequence: A War Against Vampires, Abominations, and Reality Itself
The Wages of Consequence began when Augustus Giovanni took control of Consequence with an army of zombies. All but the Blue Moon Tavern was infested. This sudden explosion of corpses was a boon for the maids, as the infinite army of undead meant infinite consequence free feeding for the Fwufs. Their numbers soared to meet the numbers of the walking dead, and good thing too… because the Giovanni were not content with one city.
The vampire family allied themselves with Hellgate and began their march to take over the entire world. Fwuf was among the Resistence, as a General of Paracosm, along with Brihl the Mouse, Kida of Twine, Mistwess Madooga, and Mora of Ar’Ellis. The resistence was fighting well, but Ar’Ellis still fell under constant barrage. Ar’Ellis and Consequence were both lost when undead throngs supported by The Eyes of Or stormed the city, and Consequence was hit with deadly zombifying gas. The Fwufs were present for the war in Ar’Ellis, the swarm doing battle with the undead armies but being driven off. The Head Maid, however, was in ultimate tantrum mode, and engaged the Eyes of Or directly. The eldritch monster successfully destroyed it… but was struck with a curse of corruption and thrown to the earth. To prevent the evil taking them over, the maid broke into their own skull with their claws and removed the tainted section of brain.
For weeks after the Head Maid was incapacitated, bedridden, heartbroken that they couldn’t help their mistress. But when they recovered, healed by an obelisk from Twine, the maid was more powerful than ever. Their body had become vaccinated against the corruption, and they’d gained temporal abilities that were quite useful. Once they destroyed a vampire army by opening a portal to the surface of the sun.
After reality broke due to Gus becoming an abomination, Fwuf was gifted two of their most powerful weapons” a feather duster of Gaia, used to clean up corruption.. and AM nail polish, from King Ar’Ellis. After many trials, some of them quite shitty (literally), the world was rescued in a union of almost anime level team work -including lasers-. But not after the maids had to go to the Silverhide afterlife and witness their mistress being destroyed over and over again… this strengthened their resolved to protect her, even if it hurt their confidence a bit.
A Maid New World: Economics, Robotics, and Peace
- My Appearance
Their skin is ashen, the palor of bone. Their eyes are a sickening scarlet red, more like incandescent pools of blood than any human organ. Their is thin and delicate, yet muscular. Their hair is a shade of burgundy resembling coagulated blood, stained from generations of bloodshed.
Their figure is androgynous. They appear outwardly feminine but lack any defining sexual characteristics or indeed reproductive parts of any kind.
The maid diet is hyper-carnivorous, requiring near 100% of their food comes from meat and bone. They are primarily scavengers, but are more than capable of hunting for live prey. To aid in this, maid teeth are huge and serrated. Thick and deep rooted, as well as curiving backwards, these teeth are designed for crushing bone, tearing chunks of flesh, and preventing escape.
Maids also posses unnaturally long fingers, tipped with long, razor sharp claws.
Appendix: Fwuf Tiers
*The Head Maid: The original Fwuf stands head and shoulders above the others. Their power is great and their tantrums legendary. The very air the breath seems to die around them, a miasma of death and decay filling the air when their mood falls fowl. In their fits of rage they strike with the collective force of everything they or any of their maids have consumed, allowing them to break the sound barrier and even melt the molecules of the air into a super heated plasma with a swipe of their claws. Their mouth is as a gateway to Hell itself, their jaws lined with more teeth than there are atoms in the universe and prone to displays of impossible dental geometry. During a tantrum the Head Maid is as ferocious as they are deadly, but should the gods be so angered that Fwufikins reaches the pinnacle of rage, BEWARE: Entire nations may be swallowed by the scalding hail of teeth and acid rain that heralds the coming of the maid on the warpath with all life on Hellifyno, and the swarms of angry maidletts that follow in their wake to devour and assimilate the living and dead alike.
When achieving the Ultimate Tantrum, the head maid became something not of this earth. Behind their relatively cute exterior now hides eldritch madness with hunger enough to devour the light and warmth of the sun itself, with horrifying visage of many appendages and toothy tentacles that moves in impossible ways. Conversely, they can maintain brief moments of true nicety, appearing in their pre-death form when it pleases their mistress. This is exceedingly rare, though, and takes far to much effort to maintain outside of very specific circumstances.
*Lesser Maids/New Maid Plus: The standard for Fwufs. These maids are small, but still taller than their mistress in case they need to reach high things. Easily broken and varying wildly in skill, these maids are unpredictable in nature but not particularly threatening unless lewd is involved. Of course, the bone shattering bite and rows of huge serrated teeth are pretty harmful.
*Mini Fweeps 2.0: Tiny maids no bigger than Barbie dolls. The discount model, but for cuteness the greatest value. They ride their roombas, in search of little and mice to catch. For the roomba, of course, because the roomba is also carnivorous.
Bloodie: A small blood golem formed from maid blood. It likes to live inside of hosts where it uses telepathic suggestion and DNA tampering to mold them into a perfect friend to the Fwufs, destroying their personality. Can be stabilized with the host’s blood, but only if the Head Maid is on good terms with them.
Robo_Maid/Mecha_Fwuf/Beep_Fweep: A joint venture combining technology from the Weave with Maid engineering. Based on the learning programming of the rumbas assigned to the Mini-Fweeps, these robotic maids combine the ruthless cuteness endemic to the maids [a la Robo Fortune/Kilgore] with incredible power and killing ability [ala Fulgore/Kilgore]. Unique to the Robo model, they have been programmed to reduce the likelihood of self destruction when in the presence of lewd, due to how expensive they are to produce.
They are equipped with several maid accessories such as drink brewing facilities, a built in vacuum, and an internal garbage disposal. They often carry a stash of Madooga Co rumbas to act as drones to reach hard to dust places! As custodial bots based on rumbas, they often go to sleep mode out of sight and mind when not in use. In worst case scenario, they are capable of using active camo with a light reflection field.
They are also armed with the following:
Plasma wrist blades (maid from super heated neon processed through a pressurized magnetic field)
Bladed High Heels
Internal knee mounted shotguns,
Palm based napalm flame throwers,
Calf/Shin mounted fragmentation grenade launchers
An internal dual ionic/nuclear generator that can generate an ionized atomic laser of devastation that emits a high pitched FWEEEEEEEEEP sound when activated. This Devastation Fweep is used to destroy lewdness.
Robo-Maids are crafted from a special alloy called adamaidium. This shiny alloy not only withstands incredible forces and heats, but is also immune to rust. It even has a special dust repellent property to keep it clean! However it is a rather dense metal, so the robo maids are considerably heavier than their regular counterparts. A single robo maid weighs half a ton, thanks to the internal complexity and the adamaidium plating.
Internally they are powered by an ion reactor, allowing their synthetic hair and “eyes” to pulse with a red glow. This also allows them to move their incredibly heavy frame with incredible speed. They can jet themselves around easily. At high speeds, of course, steering is difficult, so more standard cruising options are often employed. However, the level of output on this reactor is quite dangerous. Should the robo-maid or their reactor be damaged, the resulting explosion would be catastrophic.
Stefan Van OktoBEARfweep: A living teddy bear from the twine Teddy Factory, fashioned after the Head Maid. 2 feet tall, with 8 limbs, 6 red button eyes, white fur, and an extra smile on every paw. The bear wears a small maid outfit and communicates mostly through growls.
The BFG (Black Fwuf Guard): Arisen from nightmares, armed with cosmic metals and wreathed in nigh idiot proof suits of primordial armor. These are maids that have donned the armor of the Black Knights of Mearo Valencia’s Dark Tower, and serve as a sort of honor guard. Their red eyes glow from beneath the black metal helms in the imposing 7 foot armor frames. They wield massive axes akimbo, their strength and reflexes enhanced by the armor’s horrible nature.
*1 maid outfit; form fitting yet free flowing.
*The Broom Bardiche, a combination of a medieval pole arm and a broom. +10 on block, good for frame traps.
*The Macufweeptl, a variation of the Aztec’s macuahuitl with maid teeth rather than obsidian.
*Teeth. Big ones.
*1 advanced cutlery set, for all of your cutting needs.
*1 raptor(DaVinci); Arpox. 18 feet long, 7 feet tall, 750 lbs.
*Several emergency caches, each containing a small collection of various limbs stashed away for midnight snacks
*A small note pad with a seemingly infinite amount of paper for which to take orders with, as well as to keep tabs on the people they meet.
*At least one Amelia Bedelia book.
*A quill pen. Can use blood for ink
**A large bore rifle with their name carved in the wood and a muzzle bathed in a radiating glow. A parting gift from the legendary Ham Friend…
*HATE FOR THE LIVING
*A Feather Duster, a “living weapon”. enchanted with the magic of Gaia to battle the Abominations and heal the world during the Wages of Consequence Finale.
*A vile of potent AM (Anti-Magic) Nail polish. Anti-Magic is a vile substance that destroys magic and magical beings completely and utterly, unique to Hellifyno. This was gifted by King Ar’Ellis during the Wages of Consequence Finale. Use only in special situations and typically only with DM/Admin permission. Limited to a Total of 10 uses. Current Uses: 10/10
- My Secrets Are...
-How I manage to perform intense combat exercises in stiletto heels.
-The location(s) of my cannibalistic snack caches
-The contents of my notepad
- I Believe...
Nothing is sacred, apart from the word of Mistress Magicia and the sweet taste of human flesh. Dust Bunnies are a blight upon Madooga's perfect abyss and must be exterminated for all that is Magoog. Raccoons belong on the extinct species list.