I’ve listened to many friends tell me “Sorry,” and “Sorry for your loss,” and “How are you feeling?”
How am I feeling? Well, let me tell you how losing someone feels.
It’s like having part of your heart squeezed at by a frozen, invisible hand that causes you such torture but forces you to live. It’s like nothing makes sense, because the person you thought would be there forever is gone forever. It’s like feeling useless, and the reason why you feel such a pain is because it’s your fault, and you’re being punished.
If it were up to me, I’d be lying in a dark hole, just waiting for death to wrap me in it’s cold embrace and take away my misery. But I won’t, because that’s not what Titus would want.. He’d want me to be as happy as I can. To live on… And It’s selfish to think of killing myself off because I have friends. And I don’t want to be a bomb that explodes and ends up causing pain to those around me, sticking pieces of shrapnel into people’s hearts where it will never properly heal. And I doubt Titus would want that either. So for Titus’ sake, I’ll be the best I can.
The worst part is I’m not even sure if I’ll be seeing him again in an after life… Or even if I can permanently die… But I won’t be finding out soon. Because I’ll be staying alive. For our son. One thing he told me was to stay strong for our son… And I will. I’ll put on a smile every day and I’ll protect him with my life.
When our son is born, I’ll show him the whole universe. I’ll show him everything he needs to know, and everything he doesn’t need to know. I’ll show him the horrors of the dark and the wonders of the night… I’ll show him everything Titus stood for. I’ll tell him of all the great Silverhides, their ancestral history, and the history Titus created. I’ll tell him he couldn’t have a better, braver, or kinder father from anywhere in the whole world. And he couldn’t have been a better companion.
The Silverhides are where they belong in the Never ending halls.. That ancient place that Titus always dreamed of and I’ve visited once. The place where Jared and all of his ancestors reside, the place of true honor. As much as I want them all back, especially Titus, they’re where they’re happy.
One thing I always envied about Titus, was that he could always have a sense of closure with death. He was always calm about it, and never very afraid. He’s the bravest person I’ve ever met. All the Silverhides are the bravest protectors of Hellifyno, and this planet could not have had a greater loss.. Of true, genuine warriors. They faced death with true valor. They’re such honorable creatures, and even if some didn’t like me very much I really love them all. Silverhides are the greatest friends, protectors, mates, and teachers. Because they’ve taught me more things than anyone else… I really think Titus has made me a better person.
Titus gave me everything I’ve ever wanted. He saw me as a real person, but he still loved me for who I am. He even gave me a son.. Something I thought I could never have. And he died fighting for freedom, to see that our son will not live in a place of oppression and death and darkness. He was somebody I love, and made me happy in every way imaginable. The only thing I hope for is that I made him just as happy..