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Gwen Poole Says Vampires Droole

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It was a bit easier to travel from place to place via what she guessed was the magic power of maids, but when she arrived in Olde Watch, under orders to incite a riot against the vampire overlords… Gwen was still at an utter loss at where the hell she was.

 

Olde Watch? That was a weird name for a place. Did they make watches? Why did they misspell ‘old’? She never got why her own last name had a useless ‘e’ at the end, but it made even less sense now. Still, she had a job to do, and she couldn’t afford the time to just mull over how people were weird about spelling things.

 

With her chinchilla safely inside her hoodie, Gwen went walking about Olde Watch, trying to…

 

Do what exactly? How did she start a riot and not get herself in trouble? She was just one girl, in a city that seemed to be thoroughly oppressed by these Italian vampire people! What was she gonna do, start screaming anti-vampire propaganda and hope she didn’t get caught while doing so?

 

Yeah.

 

“Hey! What’s a vampire’s favorite sport? Casketball!”

“Where do vampires eat? In the casketeria!”

“Why are vampires so deadly? Because they bore people to death!”

“What’s the worst thing about vampires? They’re a pain in the neck!”

“Why are vampires so crazy? Because they’re bats!”

 

A long string of bad jokes against vampires started to draw in a crowd of people, who were laughing, if somewhat bitterly, and they were cheering her on. Once she had a small crowd, she cleared her throat.

 

“You know what sucks? Vampires! But you know what sucks more? Vampires that think they’re the boss of everyone! I mean, they’re basically almost cannibals, right? You don’t get any vampires without people, and yet they think that WE’RE food?”

 

That got lots of nods and bitter mumbles, and it drew in more people.

 

“I mean, anywhere else, that’s not a thing that’s accepted! They used to lock people up for eating other people, but somehow drinking people is okay? Drinking blood makes you BETTER than other people? No! It makes you a FREAK!”

 

THAT got some louder cheers, and some claps, plus a few ‘Amen, girlfriend’s.

 

“Like, I’m not saying that there can’t be vampires that just drink, like, freely donated blood or cow blood or dear blood, or maybe even like fake blood. I mean, they can grow organs, right? Can’t someone grow blood? I’m just saying don’t drink PEOPLE!”

 

More clapping, more cheering!

 

“And, like, don’t try to take over the world because you’re some uppity, Italian sounding prick that likes to binge eat!”

 

Even more clapping, and cheering. Two big guys came up on either side of Gwen, and without her asking them to, lifted her up on their shoulders.

 

“Yeah! Fuck that Giovanni whateverhisname is! No vampire overlords! No vampire overlords! I bet her sparkles in the sun! I bet he creeps on teenage girls and watches them while they sleep!”

 

Booing. Not at Gwen, but at that sparkling, creepy Giovanni!

 

“I bet he sleeps in a dark room with a bunch of sex slaves! Like, dude, you ever heard of FEMINISM?! You having a bunch of brides like you’re Dracula is sooooooo several centuries ago! Women can VOTE now, bastard, and I bet if you weren’t hypnotizing them or drinking their blood, they wouldn’t be your weirdo, scantily clad sex slaves! They’d be prominent writers! Scientists! Teachers! Businesswomen breaking the glass ceiling!”

 

A few women in the crowd squealed in approval.

 

“I bet he lives in some big castle that’s all stone walls and no air conditioning! I bet he doesn’t cut his hair! I bet he wears too much eyeliner and wears a cape and hisses at people when he’s upset because he doesn’t have a manly enough voice to intimidate anyone!”

 

Her roasting a guy she’d never seen or heard of until a few days ago was really going over well with this crowd, which only got bigger and bigger as people came around to listen.

 

“Does that sound like a good leader? Someone that’s probably only doing this because he got dumped in high school centuries ago and now has to kill a bunch of people to fill the hole in his heart that made him sell his soul to Dracula or some shit? No! That sounds like a whiny, tween, Robert Pattinson looking motherfucker that needs a stake through the heart and up the ass, too!”

 

LOUD CHEERING!

 

“Say it with me! Vampires suck! Vampires suck! Vampires suck! Vampires suck!”

 

And so the chanting began. And so the chanting spread!

 

“Let’s take Olde Watch back from the emo, blood-guzzling edgelord! Freedom From Fangs!”

 

And that’s how the riot started. With a roasting of a guy Gwen didn’t even know, but still seemed like a big dick from a distance. These people were hurting, and they were way more pissed than Gwen was for what happened to them. All that hurt, all that suffering, it had been ignited with her jokes, and then burst into flames.

 

Sitting on some shoulders, spouting ‘Vampires suck!’ and ‘Freedom from fangs’ alternatively, Gwen could see the people knocking over things, making some torches and handheld weapons, and then march around. She saw what looked like some guards of some sort start to amass, which made her tap the guys who had lifted her up, who let her down.

 

Pushing her way through the crowd, Gwen took out Shinobu the Chinchilla, and in an instant it turned into Shinobu the Chainsword, which she used to beat the shit out of the guard. Was she ruining her clothes again, yes? Was it worth it? Also yes.

 

Covered in blood, Gwen looked at the other would-be riot crushers, a mad look in her eyes as the adrenaline started to flow again.

 

“HI! Welcome to Chili’s!”

    5 Comments

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    1. Augustus Octavian 3 years ago

      She got away with blowing things up the first time. Gwen wasn’t so luck the second time. She indeed gains a small battalion of Olde Watch rebels, most human, most specist against the magical invaders of the planet but the instant she starts murdering armed guards is the instant she murders humans. That’s right… the guards posted in this area of the city are all humans. Giovanni cattle, cattle who wanted the chance to become humans. But that’s not the case for long. Her chainsword cuts through the first guard and he slumps in a pile, half his body ripped right apart, but he comes back almost as quickly, rows of teeth growing from marbled, blood stained flesh and his legs send him flying in her direction like a giant flying angler fish. At the same time, dozens of gun toting, human Giovanni rip onto the scene and begin pelting the mob with rubber riot balls. The closest carry flame throwers and giant water concussion cannons that are unleashed like a volley upon her and her would be rebels.

      • Gwen Poole 3 years ago

        There was no small amount of surprise on Gwen’s part when the man she chopped down came back like something straight out of a Resident Evil game. She recoiled, squealing, and flailing her chainsword around wildly at it, sweeping his legs away, before she turned tail and dove into the crowd. At the same time, she felt something crash into her shoulder, sending a shock of pain that made everything go blank for a moment…

        And then she hit the ground and someone stepped on her wrist, bringing her back to reality with another source of pain! Screaming, she got back up to her feet, looked behind her… and realized that things had escalated quite a bit. They were shooting at them! With nonlethal ammunition, but SHOOTING.

        And there was NOTHING non-lethal about fire, which she also saw spouting from their flame throwers. Gwen, however, caught the half-lucky end of the stick and just got slammed with the water cannon, which sent her skinny butt tumbling away.

        “GAH! OKAY! OKAY! You don’t like Chili’s, okay! We can go somewhere else? Outback Steakhouse?”

        She was joking mostly for her own sake, even as she got back up to her feet, soaking wet, and tried running again. At least she couldn’t say she didn’t try!

    2. Gwen Poole 3 years ago

      There was no small amount of surprise on Gwen’s part when the man she chopped down came back like something straight out of a Resident Evil game. She recoiled, squealing, and flailing her chainsword around wildly at it, sweeping his legs away, before she turned tail and dove into the crowd. At the same time, she felt something crash into her shoulder, sending a shock of pain that made everything go blank for a moment…

      And then she hit the ground and someone stepped on her wrist, bringing her back to reality with another source of pain! Screaming, she got back up to her feet, looked behind her… and realized that things had escalated quite a bit. They were shooting at them! With nonlethal ammunition, but SHOOTING.

      And there was NOTHING non-lethal about fire, which she also saw spouting from their flame throwers. Gwen, however, caught the half-lucky end of the stick and just got slammed with the water cannon, which sent her skinny butt tumbling away.

      “GAH! OKAY! OKAY! You don’t like Chili’s, okay! We can go somewhere else? Outback Steakhouse?”

      She was joking mostly for her own sake, even as she got back up to her feet, soaking wet, and tried running again. At least she couldn’t say she didn’t try!

    3. {Gen.} Fwufikins, Maid Commander™ 3 years ago

      The Head Maid would never send someone in without backup. A proper general always keeps reinforcements waiting in the wings.
      Yet they sent not the Fwufs, despite their agressive nature… They sent Mearo’s Black Knights, armed with tower shields and great swords. At the helm of his shield wall was a huge warrior, wreathed within and without in furious flames. This was an Enraged Berserker, an avatar of anger itself and another creation of the Valencias to aid in the war effort.

      While the wall of shields protected the crowd, the berserker ensured that the mob’s hatred never died down. “Do not morn these traitors to mankind!” it howled through the roaring flame. “They were content to sell your souls for their own safety! They are no longer your brothers!” The tower of fury pointed its fiery bastard sword at the gaurds. “These self inflicted slaves have dug their own graves!”

      Hopefully in the chaos, the shield wall would allow Gwen to make a clean escape.

      • Gwen Poole 3 years ago

        The appearance of knights in armor was… unexpected. But not unwelcome! Gwen wasn’t going to complain that a bunch of big guys with shields came to her and the other people’s rescue. Some of them seemed pretty scared after these developments… And Gwen was pretty much with them. They didn’t even seem to notice her anymore.

        So, with her attempt done, Gwen just… slipped away, taking off her bloodied hoodie to wipe herself off, before tossing it away and just taking off with her chinchilla. She had to get back to Consequence, where it was safe!

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