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Gwen Poole-y & the Big Fuckin’ Kablooie

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“Your mission; get into the Industrial District and destroy their factory. There are several key points in the basement of the factory. The support beams are what you need to set the bombs on. Once in place, you have five minutes to get out. Do not breathe the gas, the necrotic energy will kill you from the inside out. The ANFE disrupts and stops magical effects. So get far away from the blast if you are magic.”

And thus began the first mission of Gwen Poole, Agent of… That Old Man That Told Her To Do This. 

And thus began the first mission of Gwen Poole, Agent of TOMTTHTDT (Pronounced ‘tom-tee-thuh-tidit’).

 

She’d come to this place to get away from it all, have a fresh start, let off some steam… And she was doing it by committing acts of domestic terrorism against some undead fuckers that were trying to make a world empire! Best. Time. Ever???

 

Gwen couldn’t have come up with this shit on her own! Really. She wasn’t that creative. But, she was that secretly destructive. She’d seen those videos of buildings getting demolished, how they fell so neatly into themselves and there was that giant cloud of dust? She always wanted to know what that looked like up close!

 

So she’d done as she was told; she went outside the Tavern, ran like hell until she found a bike that someone had abandoned during the whole invasion or whatever had happened, and put the pedal to the metal as she made her way to… Wait.

 

She stopped at an overturned kiosk, first, and dug around through some maps. Gwen barely remembered what the map she’d seen at the Tavern looked like! She just knew that the Industrial place was ‘south’, but a map with roads… Aha! She found one.

 

And then she got back on her bike and went back to putting the pedal to the metal as she made her way to the– wait.

 

She stopped for a moment to actually LOOK at the map she grabbed. It was a good map, with some roads listed that she could take. She took a moment to look up a good route, and THEN she was back to putting the pedal to the metal.

 

It took her… some time. Gwen wasn’t fat. She just didn’t have that much stamina. Or muscle. And she wasn’t that healthy, despite being at the perfect weight. That’s what you got from sitting on your ass all day, every day, and not even doing so much as joining an extracurricular anything during school.

 

But, eventually! She made it. And she was a sweaty mess. And tired. And she felt a cramp in her ass, but she made it! And she had a bag full of explosives!

 

She took a moment, tightening her sweatpants, zipping up her hoodie, and then pulling up the hood and tightening it by yanking on the tassels to try and obscure her face a bit. And then, like a kid pretending to be a ninja, she went in, a chinchilla in one arm, with the bag of blow-’em-ups on her back.

 

She could hear the Scooby-Doo sneaking around mystery music in her head as she tip-toed up to the building, looking in through one of those little windows that were in the ground and on the side of the building? You know the ones. 

 

‘This must be the basement’, she thought to herself as she grabbed her chinchilla, transformed it into a TOTALLY FUCKING BADASS CHAINSAW-SWORD-HYBRID CALLED A CHAINSWORD. With the hilt, she based in the window, reached in past the broken glass, unlocked it, and then slid in after opening it up. She landed on some conveniently stacked boxes, and then crept further in.

 

Tip. Toe. Tip. Toe. Tip. Toe.

Tip. Toe. Tip. Toe. Tip. Toe.

Tip. Toe. Tip. Toe. Tip. Toe.

Tip–

 

“How long do we make this girl think we don’t see her?”

 

See, there was a funny thing about being ‘in the zone’. When you were really ‘in the zone’, you ignored some things, like people. And Gwen? Gwen was really good at ignoring people when she was ‘in the zone’. Which meant she didn’t notice the guys in the factory, some dressed like workers, others in guard uniforms, and they were all staring at her.

 

“UH. Paaaaay nooo miiiind toooo theeee giiiiirl beehiiiind theeee cuuuurtaaaain wiiith theee chaaaainswooord aaand theeee boooombssss.”

 

“SHIT, SHE’S GOT BOMBS!” The guards, who had reached for their guns, instead barred fangs, hissed, and charged her way, eliciting a squeal from Gwen as she tried to haul her skinny ass outta there, only to be grabbed by the back of her hoodie. Wildly, she swung her sword!

 

And lopped off a nearby worker’s head. There was a spray of blood, and in shock, the guard dropped her.

 

“You… You… You killed Tom–“

 

He didn’t finish his sentence as Gwen, in a panic, swung around and started to beat the shit out of him with her chainsword, screeching, “DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! IDON’TWANNADIIIIIIESOYOUGOOTTADIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

 

Spluch! Spluch! SPLUCH! Blood, blood, blood, gore, and more gore. It was really nasty, no one wants the clear details. Just know that, in a sheer moment of dumb terror, Gwen fucked up vampire with her chainsword. Of course, the weapon did most of the work, but some kind of really dumb strength, plus a bit of adrenaline, made Gwen a threat. 

As such, the other vampires just rushed her, which made her scream in terror and run the other way!

 

What followed could’ve been dubbed over with “Yakety Sax”, otherwise known as “Benny Hill Music”. Lots of Gwen running, ducking around corners, being thrown against walls by vampires, being clawed at by vampires, and somehow, by the grace of whatever god there was, inadvertently injuring, killing, or avoiding them. She chopped off one’s foot, and sliced off the mouth of another. And then she dove into an uncovered air vent on the floor, and crawled away as these guys tried to figure out what to do and how to get her out of there, given they were too big to fit.

 

In the meantime, Gwen crawled away, and tried to take a breath. Okay… So. She had a cut on her arm. And on her chin, as she smacked her face on the bottom of the vent and cut herself on a tiny, pinprick jagged piece of metal that was sticking up for no reason. Her chinchilla chainsword was covered in blood and shredded muscle, and she was pretty sure she was hyperventilating… But, she still had the bombs! Right?

 

Wrong. When she was running around, the bag had slipped off her shoulder, and gone unnoticed. But, now she was noticing, and the vampires weren’t! 

 

So, thinking quick, she crawled to the other side of the vent, pulled herself out, and then… actually attempted at stealth, Metal Gear style. She took cover, kept her head down, moved only when necessary, and after a few minutes, she recovered the bag. 

 

And she didn’t stop there. As the vampires stood around the vent, sniffing around it because of the blood she left there and everywhere else, Gwen was free to move around and place bombs on things she suspected to be support beams, and then, tried to make her way back to the window she came through, crawling up the boxes weakly, and then started to pull herself out…

 

Only for an inhuman grip to grab her ankle. “I GOT HER!”

 

Gwen squealed, and swung her sword at her own foot like a maniac, chopping off the vampire’s fingers… which made HIM squeal. And then she was scrambling away, adrenaline keeping her going as she just took off as best she could, as fast as she could, eyes wide with fear…

 

And then she heard the explosion. She didn’t even look back. She just… giggled. A loud, happy, hysterical, slightly mad giggle! She hadn’t even bothered getting back on the bike she’d found! Didn’t even try to walk away and look cool!

But… she did it. 

    1 Comment

    Comments are closed.

    1. Valyris Emmret 3 years ago

      Your mission was a success. Come back to the tavern for another one.

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