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Interview with Probably a Human

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QEddie O’Connor, correct? You agree to this interview wholeheartedly and without any second thoughts?
Eddie: -leans back until the chair tips on two legs, feet on the desk- Babe. I give zero fucks for your disclaimer.


Q: What species are you?

Eddie: -mouth opens, mouth shuts. teeth click. mouth opens. mouth shuts.- If I look like a human, and I feel like a human, it I’m probably a human. Unless I’m not. Then I’m someone else. Why do we need labels? -burps. cracks another beer-


Q: What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Eddie: The Beatles said that Happiness was a Warm Gun. -he expounds.- Firearms aren’t really my thing; but I believe the point they were trying to make was: to each his own. Mostly I suppose it’s materialistic. Unless you count the moment when you realize you’re doing exactly what you want, how you want, when you want it. But, seriously? I’m a happy guy. -he smiles as the chair touches down on the floor again-


Q: And what is your greatest fear?

Eddie: -beer foams against the corners of his mouth as he holds back a laugh. the ambient mood around him becomes; tense– My past coming back to haunt me.


Q: Which living person do you most admire?

Eddie: I admire myself, every day in the mirror. Does that count? -he’s stalling to think about it getting a far away look in his fawn colored eyes.- That isn’t to say I don’t find beauty where it dwells. Hidden in the gardens of Eden. Triggering the greatest of compulsions; to Fall. -his head tilts mildly to the side. his dreamy look becomes pinning with focus as if he has found his prey in a distant memory-


Q: Is there anything you dislike about your appearance?

Eddie: -one laugh bursts from him and maintains his charming smile; a gift from his Father.- What’s not to love, doll? -like Vanna white, he reveals himself as a vowel in gesture-


Q: Which living person do you most despise?

Eddie: Who has time to hate? -were those flames flickering in the mirror of his stare?- Giving someone else all of your energy like that, seems counter productive to being a Happy Guy. -he offers, after a moments pause to cool-off. Eddie stares at the non-descript reporter for as long as it takes to garner a discomfort. his jaw flexes and his facial features smooth back ominously.- What do you know of hate, truly? -figure forms in the reflection of his blatant stare. It is tall, broad shouldered, with long hair hanging down loose from a poorly arranged ponytail. it, like Eddie, is most beautiful. then the phantom is gone –


Q: What is the quality you most like in a man/woman?

Eddie: I am fond of women. Though, don’t get me wrong, babe. I’m not here to judge anyone. Leave that to those Holy fucks over at St.John’s Cathedral. -Eddie nods a few times, and all of his former loathing disappears, just like that. forgotten and moved on from in the time it takes to agree with someone else. the new expression that replaces the old; is almost gentle. certainly, most fond.- I enjoy all women. -not the truth. his tastes are very explicit, and that can be gleaned by the sparkle of deception in the corner of his tipped grin- But, I do find myself drawn to.. -but what does he like about her? he attempts to re-formulate the answer, and his voice gets very low-key.- she has the most beautiful way of seeing the world around her…


Q: Is that when and where you are happiest? With her?

Eddie: Yes. -he says that before he has time to think. when it dawns on him, he sits the chair back down hard on the floor and plants his feet. the empty beer can sits on the edge of the desk.- I can be happy anywhere, sugar-tits. You wanna know why? Because happiness is being free from the constraints of what other people want or need. -eluding selfishness, is happiness.-


Q: What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Eddie: -he had just taken a sip of beer, and it chokes out, in front of a cough. followed by a sigh of relief that he’s still breathing. – I’m not a complicated guy. I don’t really have a host of goals to achieve in order to make me feel like a special snowflake. -one eyebrow lifts higher than the other with a secret shared- But, I think I manage to make everyone else feel better about themselves.


Q: If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?

Eddie: Oh, lover. -he shakes his head woefully.- If you only knew. -that he has been reincarnated over, and over, and over…-


Q: Which historical figure do you most identify with?

Eddie: -stumped, Eddie’s mouth hangs open, his eyes squint and search for the ever allusive answer.- Jesus Christ.


Q: What is your greatest regret?

Eddie: -for the first time, he looks upon this innocent Observer with great pity. he speaks to her like she were the youngest sibling who knows nothing of the world outside their family unit- I regret nothing. Not one thing. It’s not in my nature.


Q: What is your motto in life?

Eddie: This one time, I was ..wandering around the mansion of a …family friend, trying to be quiet, ya know. -he nods, to affirm she has the right unspoken idea- I opened a door, and another, and I couldn’t quite locate the facilities if you get my meaning. Then I opened this door at the end of a hall and the entire room inside glowed pink. I looked down and there was this little girl standing there in pajama’s with sleep in her eyes. She stared at me a long time. Then I asked her, if she wanted anything? You know, so I wouldn’t scare her or whatever. She looks up at me and says, “I wanna paint my face and ride a pony.” I walked her back to bed. Got her a glass of water. turned off the light and shut the door. I think that is the only motto we should all live by, truly. Paint your face. Ride many ponies.

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