A televised message appeared on television sets and streaming sites all over Hellifyno. Normally a broadcast of this scale may come from the Chronicle Society or one of the major cities, but today… It comes from Paracosm. A message on the screen reads:
“This is a Madooga Co. LLC public service announcement! Keep your arms and legs inside your clothes at all times until the public service announcement to a complete stop. Failure to comply will not be tolerated.”
The footage cuts to a somewhat official looking podium, though it is draped with partially frozen gore. Behind the podium stood a rather disgruntled Head Maid. Their scarlet eyes, more like incandescent pools of blood than any human organ and in more abundance than one would ever hope to see, stared into the camera. Even without visible pupils, it was clear where they were looking. At you. At all of you.
“Citizens of Hellifyno. I, Fwufikins, Head of the Maid Swarm, have come to deliver a message. Despite the chaos, we of Paracosm and the Maids are hard at work cleansing the world of this infection. Magicia herself was out there, even as Paracosm suffered the effects of natural disaster, slaying the Spombalien menace in Persistence. We have certainly done our share of wrong, but our hearts are always prepared to do right by these people. “
The footage then cuts to Magicia and a team of Fwuf maids fighting alongside other heroes in Persistence, many sacrificing themselves to help others escape. The footage shows the Gaian feather dusters and Magicia’s Gaian mallet hard at work, obliterating zombies and even neutralizing some of the fowl anti-life effects of the slime within the Spombaliens.
The footage continues to show evidence of past Fwuf Help moments as the speech continues, each relevant to the topic at hand. The Ar’Ellis Saga, The Wages of Consequence, the latest FaE War, the Rebellion against LeDouche.
“Like many times before, we maids are helping to protect the people of Hellifyno and crush this other worldly threat. Even as our beloved Queen and Mistress recovers in hospital from her selfless acts which brings us to my next point… Olde Watch…”
The maid’s tone swiftly shifted from the dignified and happy fweep to a gutteral growl of distane. They clenched their massive serrated teeth as well as the fist they now held to their chest.
“Citizens of Olde Watch… You wound us. I will not fault you for your distrust of magic and magical beings. Your people have been through innumerable hardships in both economic and martial fields. But of all the people you choose to make suffer… You choose us maids.
“You choose Paracosm, a nation that had come to your aid in times of crisis more than potentially any other, and you make us your enemy. Why? When we fought to drive the Giovanni’s zombie hordes from your streets. When we not only fought alongside the Krieger brothers you now crusade for, both before and after death, but memorialized them in our own castle garden. With their inspiration, we liberated innocent lives from the tyranny of Ruby and Hellgate to form our own nation, where refugees may flourish and live without fear of the power hungry monsters out there.”
The maid’s face contorted into a snarl, exposing their horrid arrangement of seemingly infinite teeth forming impossible patterns in their jaws. Their claws audibly raked against their podium
“And how do you repay us? You fire AM nukes upon us, even as we are fighting on the battlefield against the FaE hordes! You laugh a nuclear assault on our Pseudo-Pluto production facility! Make it rain a mountain’s worth of space rock on top of us and unleash a plague of Anti-Life bearing space zombies upon us! And most egregious of all, your zombie army nearly assassinated Mistress, the first and last ally the Kriegers ever knew among us.”
The maid’s voice rose to a scream, their iron grip splintering sections of the podium. They huffed, their breath like that of a massive growling beast from beyond the veil of life and death, despite being just a little maid.
“But don’t think you’ve won…don’t think we haven’t seen through your little game. Paracosm is far from defeated. Do not think we are so single minded to focus all of our efforts on the undead scourge… We will have our day. Much like those who have conspired against us before, your agression will come full circle in time.
“On that note, Madooga Co LLC will be putting extra resources into arming not only our maidlings, but the people of Hellifyno as well. Take note, citizens! This stuff is important!“
The footage jumps to Madooga Co LLC factory assembly lines and store fronts. Ballistic and melee weapons, household tools, energy weapons, armor, and more are being assembled at a rate befitting a Megacorporation.
“As we have learned through rigorous field testing, Gaian magic has a profound effect against the Space Zombies. Ideally one would find a Gaian priest or cleric to consecrate a holy living weapon, like our Feather Dusters or Madooga’s Malet, but we at Madooga Co LLC have the next best thing!”
Snazzy infomercial graphics pop up on the screen, as a professional announcer gives a cheesy but endearing performance.
“Madooga Co LLC is proud to announce our Spombie Apocalypse Nullification line of novelty items, household products and confections! From chainsaws to boomsticks and ion lasers, we have everything an aspiring badass needs to survive the zombie apocalypse with style! We dust and clean every weapon before shipping with Gaian feather dusters to give then a touch of the life goddess’s ironically effective killing power! Premium packages are also hammered together using the Gaian Malet of Mistwess Madooga!
Normally even a sprinkling of this sort of might would come at the cost of eternal devotion to the life goddess, but like most modern religious institutions we’ve found a way to make it much cheaper and admittedly less effective!
But wait, there’s more! Due to overstocking and market demand thanks to the ongoing Spombie Apocalypse, we are slashing our prices so you can slash some spinal columns! All space zombies must go! Preferably to Hell! Or Delaware! All Madooga Co Patented Spombie Apocalypse Nullification products are available for a limited time for up to 90% MSRP! Order now and we’ll throw in a cupcake for FREE!
CALL ?-800-555-MAID to order!”
The broadcast returns to the Head Maid’s podium, which the maid then saws in half with a Madooga Co LLC Brand special order allegedlyalleged chainsaw®.
“Thanks for listening folks! We look forward to doing business with you! And as for Olde Watch…”
The maid cackled, an unnatural sound that belied their eldritch nature. They lifted their head to grin an ungodly head-splitting grin.
“We hope you’ll be watching… See you real soon.”