“Yea, that’s me. Man, that was a hell of a night! So get this, that douche bag’s daughter – hot as hell – was totally digging me, right? But when I asked, he said she was engaged! I talked to her and apparently that was some dick-move by her old man to marry her to the would-be king of another planet – some sort of interplanetary diplomacy going on, right?
Well, I’m like ‘Fuck that noise’ and we run off together. She snagged the keys to her douche-bag-dad’s hot rod shuttle and we take off! Middle of the night, pouring rain – should mention the rain on this planet is always like a monsoon – and I can’t see shit… so we try to land on a small island for a bit of… well, let’s just say I wasn’t alone in my seat.
I fucking nose-dived into the side of an active fucking valcano – totally not my fault – and wind up wiping out the whole island! Again, totally not my fault. I did manage to bubble the only run-down city there, saved a thousand or more lives, the princess included. Do they thank me? NO! Instead I get a wanted poster and a bounty for my head!
… Wait, you’re a reporter right? … No? Aww damn diddly fuck.“