Originally posted August 9, 2009 at 10:51pm
The Faery Queen
The faery queen is a fat arrogant bitch. I know her pretty well. We dated for a while. Don’t worry, she was skinny back then. But she was still a bitch!
Today she rules over Faery in a pretty nasty way. In the old days Fairys were pains in the butt sure, but sometimes you could make friends, get them to help you out, maybe have a party or two with them. But that’s simply not the case anymore.
Now they are ruled by a mean, rude, nasty old tyrant. A woman who’s a hundred times fatter than a cow, but barely an inch tall. She farts when she speaks, and she speaks when she farts and the whole thing is a mess.
Worse! She is trying to conquer the world. I bet you didn’t expect me to say that! Well she is. Nasty old hag that she is.
Ok… so here’s the deal. A few hundred years ago the fairy queen takes power over the fairies. Back then she was a tooottalll hotty. Nice butt, cute ankles, great spine the whole deal! But then the fairy fairicologists or whatever the heck they were discovered a new source of energy. A delicious source of energy. An addictive…. source of energy. They found ways to create things like sugar…. and caffeine…
Then the world changed because the fairy queen wasn’t as dumb as she played to dragons who tried to seduce her, and did sometimes but still didn’t foil her plans so whatever screw you.
So anyways, the fairy queen decided to create an army of fairy drug dealers. They would fly out into the world poisoning the humans, who ruled reality for the most part, with sugar and caffeine and all sorts of deliciously terrible intoxicants.
Their mission, to get the entire population of the human things to become complete and total sugar addicts!
They succeeded almost immediately. People loved sugar, they loved caffeine, and they loved these things in all of their forms.
Then… after a suitable period, to ensure that parents passed this addiction on to children, and then on forward forever….. she struck
Suddenly she cut the world’s supply of sugar and caffeine off. Everything dried up. The world was without its much needed addiction.
This happened not in a week, not in a day, not in an hour. It happened in an instant. It all just disappeared. The work of faery lore.
Then the faery queen made her announcement.
The population of the world has seen our power. And we are sympathetic with your demands. Come let us make peace. Have a sip of soda with us, enjoy a tasty cookie, and sit to treat. We only want to rule the world.
This message played on every television, every radio station, and somehow was printed in every newspaper every single day for a year. There were meetings, sort of, but none very successful. At the end of that year the queen of Faery decided to act.