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The Teef Blog: From Fwuf with… well, not love.

red eyes in the dark
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A weak broadcast signal that may easily go under the radar begins its travel through the air waves. Not impossible to find, but only if you listen, if you’re looking for it. There was no attempt to hide it, but it simply didn’t seem like an emergency broadcast. Because in all actuality… anyone who finds it will already know full well what it says.

A familiar maid-like voice breaks the airwaves, almost literally, as Fwuf takes to loosing their message. Their voice was at once the song of an angel and the screams of a demon, as if their vocal chords themselves were the eternal clash of creation and entropy given form.

“This is Fwufikins -leader of the Fwuf Hive Mind, the Head Maid of Paracosm- speaking. I have a message not for the world, not to the Olde Watch… but to the supposed ‘heroes’ of the world.”

A pregnant pause, and even through your speakers the electricity in the air may leave an acrid taste on your tongue. The tension, the unbridled annoyance. Fwuf need not name names… you’ll know who you are.

“What on Earth do you think you’re doing? I know I shouldn’t be surprised but I’m always just so bewildered  by the sheer magnitude of your collective incompetence. No matter how hard we pushed, what Paracosm alone managed to achieve, the peace we strive for was evermore just a few inches out of reach. I can only assume none of you were even trying! How else would you all constantly manage to throw our hard work down the drain?”

The sense of fury only grew as they continued to speak.

“Over and over we tried in vain to reach peace, and you always got in the way! Unforseen consequences of Croc’s actions can be forgiven, but his cost us what could have been an easy peace. He however will have his time to make up for what he’s done… The rest of you?”

The maid audibly took a deep breath, despite not needing to breath for the last several years.

“You call yourselves ‘heroes’? How DARE you! You’re barely even capable of being soldiers, let alone leading a crusade of righteousness! You placed Magicia, our beloved Mistress, as the figurehead of your movement, as if to say she was the mastermind of your madness! You didn’t become our ally to aid us in this, you put yourselves behind her so we could be thrown under the bus! You would call the assault on Planet One a ‘mistake’, that you express regret. But no, not because of your actions! You don’t feel regret or pity, you felt fear because you LOST.

“Tell me, the plan you had so much confidence in, your grand achievement of strategic failure. What was it again? Rush with a massive fleet of ships armed with WMD’s to strike them as soon as you knew they were there. Did you not for one second think of performing a reconnaissance mission? Of checking to see if you were striking a civilian population rather than a military installation? Of course not! And based on your performance you expected to take this victory uncontested too, yes? That using the sun as a weapon would work on a Planet that’s within spitting distance of it? Or maybe perhaps, of simply not kick-starting a possible World War with aggression like this?!

The maid’s voice rose to an unnatural shriek of contempt. The words themselves were now acts of violence in a way.

“And most egregious of all! The jewel atop this crown of worms! You insolent backstabbing troglodytes would put not only the Mistress of the Maids, but the Queen of an Entire NATION… ON THE FRONT LINES! You lying, negligent pitiless no-good double dealing backstabbing larcenous perverted WORMS! You would risk the very life of one of your own leaders as a martyr, a monument to all your sins! As you pranced into the lion’s den you covered an entire nation in lambs blood and threw us to the pride with a smile on your vile faces!”

There is the sound of a heavy crystalline stone object being struck with such force that it crumbled like stale bread beneath a sledge hammer. Panicked fweeps in the background sounded as they tried to contain the mess of whatever had just been obliterated. There were no words for a moment, just a single noise. An ungodly roar of primal rage, a roar to challenge the gods and crack their eardrums with its sheer unwavering hate!

“If It were my will, I would have you all wash your necks and disembowel yourselves before me. Then I may take your heads and tack them up on my wall, and leave your bodies to become so much salpetre that I may blast your offspring into the void!”

Their heaving, growling breaths soon calmed though, and their voice returned to a more… normal tenor. Eerily calm.

“And to think… we were so close to coming out and showing you all how its done. To leading you all to victory as we have so many times before. The world that demands peace, but cannot speak friend. The world that demands retribution for the evils they enabled. The world that would call us monsters for who we were fated to be at birth, and then beg for us to come to their rescue.”

There was a small chuckle from the maid. Only a little one, as big as the love they feel for all of you.

“But none of that matters now does it? While you would be murderers would throw us to the wolves and continue banging your head against Olde Watch’s walls as if it were a drum, we in Paracosm have once again found the path to peace…for us at least.

“Who would have thought that of all the people to put Paracosm’s best interest at heart… it would be the Olde Watch? Perhaps we have something in common, like how we constantly fought to make the world a better place only to have our good will soiled by those who declare themselves righteous. But with Paracosm finally safe, with an armistice between us and our would be enemy? With our ties finally cut from all of you? We can finally work to close the wounds that you all seem so intent to pour salt into. Perhaps we could finally find the common ground that will unite the people of Hellifyno before you bomb it all to dust.”

Their voice was serene, as if a weight had been lifted off of their shoulders for the first time since they were born. With levity they spoke their closing.

“So.. if you know what’s best for you… stay out of our way. We will not interfere with this conflict any longer unless you draw us into it as a parting gift to both sides. We will cooperate with the Watch to preserve the safety of civilians, and try to work with Krieger and their senate to find a better future through charisma rather than chaos. But…”

There was a very audible smile in Fwuf’s voice. Infact, as the smile widened, once might hear the sound of grinding teeth and shredded flesh as their cheeks were torn to accommodate their unholy grin.

“As fair warning to everyone not from Paracosm…but from ME. Magicia is a kind and gracious Queen who is open to forgiveness and reconciliation. I am not. If you initiate any aggression with Paracosm, I will unleash the full brunt of our wrath on you, your nation, your people, and your future. There will never again be a generation that remembers a restful sleep, or rain that didn’t drown what remained of their world in poison. If you strike Paracosm, I will salt the earth with your tears and leave nothing but ruination as I reduce your home to a glass crater.”

They could no longer contain their laughter, as their distorted cackling rang out over the airwaves. It was only for a moment, but it was nice to release such genuine joy.

“So instead, I implore you! Don’t do anything stupid! Work towards a better future together with your swords sheathed… unless you would rather no future at all.”

The maid slowly moved away from the mic and audibly slid out of corporeality.

“With that… I bid you all farewell.”


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